I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Danger is very dangerous
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
knights of the ikea table
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wait for it
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?