I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you