I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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The booster protects against what, now?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
smartest karate player in the world
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy