I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
ACED my prostate exam!
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a