I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
going to the ER y’all need anything
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.