I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.