“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
water it, i dare you
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Yoga Matt
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.