I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
You Might Also Like
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
the world’s most popular steaming services
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.