“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.