“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.