I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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Phonetics
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Can’t. Being lazy.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again