I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
The real reason evolution started..😂
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real