I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season