“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I am, perchance
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.