I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I have two kinds of followers
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.