I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me