“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Friday night party time 🥳
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
bout dat hot dog summer
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you