I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
New menu item
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.