i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.