“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
You Might Also Like
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Ugh
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.