I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada