I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
sistine chapel
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.