I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
