I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.