I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself