I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Haha! 😂
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me, after any kind of buffet.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.