I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.