I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.