I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.