i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”