I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
“What movie?” 🤔
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Cat.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…