I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
This is my favorite one of these!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.