I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.


You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.


“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.


A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away


Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.


You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut