@JoshPughComic My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
@reallifemommy3 I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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@JoshPughComic 
@1Happytwit You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
@StanHels1ng “Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
@fillthevacuum “Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
@OhNoSheTwitnt Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@caseytduncan Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
@weinerdog4life A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
@_KrisWilson_ Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
@Smooheed You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
@Jenny4ashley [tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend