@reallifemommy3

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

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@JoshPughComic

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

@StanHels1ng

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

@_KrisWilson_

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

@Smooheed

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut