I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out