I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
WHY?!