I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.