I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Jesus Christ lmao
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.