I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Happens to everyone.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles