I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You Might Also Like
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Guy who likes music
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…