I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

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“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.


Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.


Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.


Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick


Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so


I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.


TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.


maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do


Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.