I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice