@JennyJohnsonHi5
@dan_rambles_on “Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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@dan_rambles_on 
@HenpeckedHal Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
@DamienFahey Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
@Book_Krazy Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
@Megaafauna Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
@IamEveryDayPpl I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
@WritePlay TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
@3sunzzz The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
@jonnysun maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
@robfee Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.