@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

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@dan_rambles_on

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@HenpeckedHal

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@Book_Krazy

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

@Megaafauna

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

@IamEveryDayPpl

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@WritePlay

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

@jonnysun

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.