I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.


in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful


Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.


Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.


I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.


You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.


They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.