I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.