My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.