I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob