I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home