I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.