I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: