i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Breaking news:
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
my astrological sign is a french fry
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
What the dentist sees
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced