I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
groan^2
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.