I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.