I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”