I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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anyone else like Italian cereal
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here