I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…